


candle

by junyeonbug



Series: day by day (i keep wanting to be with you) [2]
Category: MYTEEN (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, am i the only one who spells it as yubin and not yuvin, and yubin cheers him up, i am: a terrible person, i wrote this just to hurt myself, lots of lonely suhwan :(, suhwan gets hate :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 13:08:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19357663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junyeonbug/pseuds/junyeonbug
Summary: the flame in suhwan extinguishes, leaving him lost and alone in an unending spiral of darkness, but luckily, he has yubin who offers him a hand and rekindles the diminished spark of hope back in him.





	candle

Suhwan had always been a lonely kid.

Frankly, he didn’t know why. He’d always enjoyed the company of people since a young age, but most of the time, he found himself alone. And when he had come to Seoul, alone, to pursue his dream, things just got worse from there. From being unable to find a company to living alone in a small shoebox apartment, he just dismissed it as being an unlucky person.

Then came Produce 101. The once-in-a-lifetime, golden opportunity to make friends and achieve his dream at the same time. He dreamed of meeting friends his age, friends that would show him around Seoul and hang out with him on their free days, friends that would share their stories with him and most importantly, be there for him.

But of course, dreams were dreams. When he was left sitting in his rundown apartment on one of their free days, alone with no one to hang out with, then did it occur to him that even if he did make friends on that damn program, no one would want to hang out with him.

That’s how he found himself going to his subway ad alone, taking the subway with earphones plugged in his ears and not a single person around him recognising him. Was that a good or bad thing? Suhwan didn’t even know.

He considered going back to the training center to at least see if anyone was there to relieve his loneliness. The thought itself was absurd, like, who in the right mind would go back to that hellish place when they were finally given a day of freedom after so long? Still, Suhwan found his feet dragging him back to that prison even before he processed that it would be a bad idea.

Stepping into the eerie, empty dorm building and judging by the silence and chilliness in there, he figured out that he was probably the only one crazy enough return to that reincarnation of hell when he could’ve been out enjoying himself. Perhaps the other trainees will start coming in soon since they had a shoot the following morning, Suhwan tried to convince himself as he found Super Special Girl’s dorm room and catapulted himself on his bed.

The screen of his phone shone a bright ‘11PM’ at him when he switched it on and he remembered, it was Friday, and since he had absolutely nothing to do, why not watch the live broadcast? Gathering all the pillows and blankets from his teammates’ beds, for once he felt grateful that he was alone and constructed a fort on his bed before immersing himself in the episode.

Two and a half hours and many bored yawns later, the episode was finally over and Suhwan was ready to call it a night when his phone buzzed annoyingly.

_**From:** annoying headass_  
_yooooo suhwanie what r u doing now???_

Suhwan raised an eyebrow at the text. Number one, why was Yubin suddenly texting him out of nowhere and number two, how did he know that he was still awake?

 **To:** annoying headass  
...why are u suddenly texting me

_**From:** annoying headass_  
_cant i text my best friend whenever i want to? *^^*_

**To:** annoying headass  
idiot  
i just watched the live broadcast  
im at the training center now haha

_**From:** annoying headass_  
_training center??? now??? r u crazy???_  
_who r u with_

**To:** annoying headass  
the nonexistent ghosts that yall keep talking about probably  
i think i might be the only trainee in this building

_**From:** annoying headass_  
_ur alone???_  
_do u know how dangerous that is???_

**To:** annoying headass  
no?

_**From:** annoying headass_  
_jesus christ choi suhwan_

_Yubin and his stupid fear of ghosts again,_ Suhwan thought as he didn’t bother replying and got ready to sleep. He lay back down and opened a search site, searching up his name as that had become a recent habit of his, reading comments about himself before sleeping. Most of the time, the comments had been positive, with the occasional hate comment that he didn’t care much about.

When he opened Twitter and saw his name trending, he bolted up from his position so fast he could’ve smashed a hole in the top bunk if he was tall enough. Tapping on his name with trembling fingers, the sight he expected to see was a complete opposite of what he expected.

Tweet after tweet about hate, more hate, and nothing but hate.

Shaking his head in denial, his fingers scrolled through pages and pages of tweets, the harsh words and curses in all of them flying past in a blur. After awhile he didn’t even bother reading them anymore, all of them roughly said the same thing and had the same message, but that didn’t make it any better, in fact, it just got worse the more he scrolled.

_"Choi Suhwan got in? How did that short and ugly bastard get up there lol"_

_"Why is Choi Suhwan thereᄏᄏᄏ which idiot picked him"_

_"That bastard Choi Suhwan got 29th? Are the people who picked him blind or somethingᄏᄏ"_

The worst part wasn’t even the insulting and spiteful words. It was the angry tweets of the jealous fans who weren’t happy that he got in but their pick didn’t.

_“Petition to kick Choi Suhwan out and bring back Moon Hyunbin!”_

_“Take that ugly guy Choi Suhwan out and put my Kim Dongyoon back inᅲᅲ he deserves it so much moreᅲᅲ Woollimz fighting”_

_“Who in the right mind would pick Choi Suhwan over Lee Woojin? At least he has height, talent and visuals unlike himㅋㅋ”_

Suhwan switched his phone off and threw it across his bed. That’s it, he couldn’t bear to continue finding positive comments when that excessive amount of hate was overriding it. That would be like finding a needle in a haystack, without even knowing if a needle existed in the first place.

 _What did he do wrong? Was it his fault that he received more votes than them? Was it his fault that more people voted for him instead?_ Desperately trying to convince himself that those people were just venting their frustrations on someone else in anger that their pick didn’t make it, Suhwan stared at the black screen of his phone for ages, his mind running in a thousand directions, until the realisation dawned on him.

It _was_ his fault.

It was his fault that he wasn’t as tall and handsome as the other trainees; it was his fault that he wasn’t in a popular company and didn't have their bandwagon fans; it was his fault that he wasn’t working hard enough and showed a lacking appearance to the viewers; it was his fault that he just couldn’t do anything.

_The problem lay with him._

He remembered how loudly and pitifully the Starship and Woollim boys cried that day, how their tears didn’t seem to stop even in the late hours of the night when they had sent them home, how they had arrived at the shoot the next day with swollen eyes and puffed faces and needed extra makeup to cover them up.

All that, because of _him._

Hearing some commotion going on outside, Suhwan stepped out of his dorm room and saw the Woollim boys enter the dorm building huddled together, holding on to each other’s hands as if they were afraid of something. As soon as Suhwan saw them, the spiteful tweets about wanting Dongyoon, Minseo and Moon Junho to replace him flooded his mind, making tears spring into his eyes.

If he had a company, would he have friends that he would stick by him like that? Would he have someone by his side when he needed them the most like that? As he willed the tears to go back into his eyes and slapped the thoughts out of his head, a sharp shriek that echoed through the dim hallway startled Suhwan into civilisation.

“Who… Is someone there?” Someone, maybe Yoonsung’s, voice echoed quietly.

“It’s me,” Suhwan said as he stepped under a light and heard the three of them sigh in unison, separating from one another. He wasn’t exactly close to any of the Woollim boys, with the exception of maybe Changwook since they were on the same team before, plus the sight of them made him think back to those tweets, so he quickly nodded at them and made his way out of the building, but not before giving Changwook a small pat on his back.

Like he had done almost every morning, his feet seemed to drag him to the main building where all the practice rooms were, as if he was being pulled by a magnet. He greeted several staff who were still up, preparing cameras and stuff for the shoot the next morning and made his way upstairs to Super Special Girl’s practice room.

The entire second floor was completely void of people; it was dark and chilly, and only the faint chatter of the staff from downstairs could be heard. Switching on the lights of the practice room, he sat there with his back against the wall for awhile, and inevitably, his mind found its way back to the terrible, scarring comments again.

_“Choi Suhwan, fucking useless, what did he even do to get up there?”_

_“Everyone who voted Choi Suhwan, you need to get your eyes checkedᄏᄏ what do you even see in himᄏᄏ”_

Curling his hands into fists, Suhwan marched over to the speakers and hit the play button. Super Special Girl immediately blasted from the speakers, filling the room with the familiar tune. Usually, with the funky and catchy beat, Suhwan would’ve been sent into a good mood instantly, but as he got into position and started moving his limbs with the song, the tears that he had been holding in flowed freely down his cheeks.

After dancing the tiring song five times in a row, Suhwan’s limbs were already ready to give way, but the incessant nagging voice in his head yelled at him that he was still not good enough and he needed to go more. Putting his hands on his knees and catching his breath, Suhwan cast a glance at the glass door and the pitch-black darkness behind it and figured, even if he did push himself over the edge, no one was there to care, right?

_He was alone, like how he always was._

He didn’t know how many times the song played over and over again after that, but his limbs were still moving on their own, even when the room started spinning and his head felt too heavy to be held up. With the last ounce of energy he had in him, he stumbled over to the speaker to press the pause button, but his body gave way and he collapsed like a starfish on the floor.

The lights on the ceiling felt too bright all of a sudden, and Suhwan could still see them even when he closed his eyes. There was a loud ringing in his ears in addition to the song that was still playing on repeat. He couldn’t feel his arms and legs anymore and for a second, he was struck with the possibility that he could be paralysed. He rolled over to his side and began coughing so heavily that it felt like he could throw up his lungs.

So when Suhwan opened his eyes again and saw Yubin’s panicked face staring back at him, he concluded that he was really going crazy.

“Suhwan! SUHWAN!” Yubin’s yells were slowly getting more audible. Cursing under his breath, Yubin disappeared from his sight for a second before the music got cut off abruptly. Returning into his sight, Suhwan could faintly feel a hand slipping under his neck and being pulled onto a soft surface.

“H...hyung…?” Suhwan started off but stopped when his head started pounding mercilessly, making him collapse back onto Yubin’s lap with a pained groan.

“Yes, it’s me,” Yubin opened a bottle of water and placed it against Suhwan’s lips, and he slowly drank from it. “Is it bad? Do you need to go to the hospital?”

“No… just- just stay here with me, please,” Suhwan muttered and made the mistake of opening his eyes, and Yubin’s face came into view, looking so worried like he might burst into tears at any moment.

Gathering whatever energy that he had gained back, Suhwan sat back up and leaned against the wall, trying to tame his pounding headache. Yubin wasted no time in helping him find his balance, but Suhwan stopped him with a shake of his head.

“Why did you come here?” Suhwan began, looking back at Yubin who hadn’t taken his eyes off him for a second ever since he arrived.

“You said you were alone,” Yubin frowned, “do you think I’ll let you be alone here? In a place like this? Especially at night?”

“So you… came here for me?” Suhwan reiterated, unable to comprehend Yubin’s words. “I… I can take care of myself though. I’m not a kid.”

Yubin only frowned deeper, gave Suhwan a once over and a little scowl. Suhwan got his message and shrunk into his frame, his gaze fluttering to the ground in embarrassment.

“Well, I… I mean, you didn’t have to come all the way here for me. You must’ve been busy.”

“What are you doing here on a free day, overexerting yourself?” Yubin ignored him, “you really scared me just now, you know? It wasn’t funny.”

“I’m sorry,” Suhwan chewed on his bottom lip, “I just… thought I needed some more practice. That’s all, I didn’t mean to go overboard.”

Yubin only emitted a loud sigh in response, and when Suhwan cautiously glanced back at him, Yubin was still staring at him with a conflicted and pitiful expression written all over his face.

“Why are you staring at me like th-”

“Is everything okay, Suhwan?”

Returning Yubin’s gaze with his jaw hung open as he was interrupted in mid-sentence, Suhwan blankly stared at him for a moment before letting out an airy laugh, nodding his head frantically.

“I’m fine,” he replied reassuringly, avoiding Yubin’s eyes as he said that and promptly changing the topic. “What… did you do today?”

Yubin continued eyeing him suspiciously, as if he was trying to read Suhwan inside out, "I went ad hopping. With Gukheon hyung, Jinhyuk hyung and Byungchan hyung."

Suhwan's eyes hadn't left the ground, "that's nice."

“There was so many fans, it was crazy,” Yubin continued, recalling the day’s events to his friend. “Jinhyuk hyung had to give them a lecture about keeping quiet and not blocking pedestrian traffic. Byungchan hyung looked so annoyed at them, it was pretty funny.”

Suhwan remembered how not a single person had come up to him at his ad, even though he didn’t wear any disguises. “Must be nice. To be surrounded by lots of people.”

“Not really, they kept following us around even after that,” Yubin sighed frustratingly. “We met Seungyeon hyung at Hongdae after that. We were going to have a sleepover at his place, but I backed out of it.”

“Why?” Suhwan asked the floor, though he had an unnerving guess on what his reply would be.

“To come for you, of course.”

“That doesn’t make sense, you could be having fun with them now, but you choose to be with me, a boring person?” Suhwan brought his knees to his chest and hugged his legs, still facing away from Yubin.

“You’re not boring, Suhwan,” Yubin gently placed a hand on his knee but Suhwan flinched at the sudden contact, prompting Yubin to retreat his hand. “And I came because I wanted to. They might be my friends, but you’re my friend too.”

Suhwan swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat, hiding his face between his knees.

“What about you? What did you do today,” Yubin was slowly becoming more anxious, noticing that Suhwan was visibly getting more and more distant despite being just beside him.

“I… I went to see my subway ad too. Alone,” Suhwan’s voice was muffled, but Yubin didn’t miss the way his voice trembled at the last word.

“Why didn’t you call me, we could’ve went together,” Yubin offered but Suhwan simply shook his head. “Suhwan, something’s bothering you, right?”

“I said I’m fine,” Suhwan replied curtly, shooting a sharp glance at Yubin who flinched back.

“No, there’s definitely something. I’ve been waiting for you to crack a joke or tease me like you usually do, but you’re so… distant today,” Yubin’s shoulders sagged down and he inched closer to Suhwan, poking his ankle. “Did I do something wrong?”

“It’s none of your business anyway. Why would you care?” Suhwan shot back, but with the way his voice was shaking and tears welling up in his eyes, his attempt at being fierce failed terribly.

“Suhwan. I’m your friend. Of course I care about you,” Yubin’s hands hung awkwardly in the air, unsure of whether to reach out and comfort Suhwan or to just keep them to himself in case he might push him away again. “You’re obviously upset and I just want to make you feel better?”

“You won’t understand! You’ve never been in my position before, a useless person who’s always alone because no one wants to be associated with me!” Suhwan lashed out, springing up from his position, wobbling a little as his legs still hadn’t regained all their strength.

Yubin’s eyes followed Suhwan as he stood up, and immediately widened when he saw the tears in Suhwan’s eyes threatening to spill out. He got up slowly and walked towards the trembling boy and took it as a good sign that Suhwan wasn’t backing away from him. Resting his hands on Suhwan’s shoulders softly, he finally managed to take a good look at his friend’s tearful face, making his heart shatter into a thousand fragments.

“Is this what you’re upset about? Being alone?” Yubin tried to speak as gently as possible, “You’re not alone, Suhwan, I’m here for a reason, right?”

Maybe it was the way Yubin was so gentle with him- the way he touched him, the way he spoke, the way he gazed at him- but instantly, the floodgates in Suhwan’s eyes burst open and he collapsed into Yubin’s embrace, shaking with the intensity of his sobs.

_“You’re not alone, Suhwan.”_

Who knew, those were exactly the words he ached to hear for so long. For someone to reassure him that they’d stick by him, that they’d be by his side when he needed them the most.

Yubin wordlessly enveloped Suhwan in a warm hug, wrapping his arms around the smaller guy’s shoulders protectively and letting his tears soak through the fabric of his shirt. Tucking Suhwan’s head under his chin and holding him as close to him as possible, Yubin never once let his grip on Suhwan falter until he heard his bawls settle into sniffles. He took Suhwan’s hand and carefully led him to sit down, in which Suhwan instinctively leaned against Yubin’s side, the latter throwing an arm around his shoulder to keep him in place.

“Feeling better?” Yubin asked cautiously and Suhwan nodded with his eyes still closed. “Want to talk about it?”

Suhwan cracked open his eyes and like always, Yubin was gazing encouragingly at him with a small smile present on his lips. Sighing heavily, Suhwan reached into his back pocket and pulled out his phone, switched it on and handed it over to Yubin who was looking at him puzzledly.

Suhwan saw the rapid changes in Yubin’s expressions when he started scrolling. From being puzzled, to shock, to disbelief, to anger… he slammed the phone on the ground, and if it wasn’t for Yubin glaring at him with obvious rage in his eyes, he’d be worried about his precious phone screen cracking.

“Are you telling me you believed all of that bullshit?” Yubin asked exasperatedly, “that’s the main reason why they’re all writing nasty stuff like that! To try to put you down! How can you be so swayed by all of those? I thought you were better than this, Suhwan!”

Suhwan just blinked speechlessly back at him, his mouth hung open at a complete loss for words.

“Oh- shit, I-I’m sorry, don’t cry again,” Yubin’s anger vanished within a split second and he pulled Suhwan back in for another hug. “I didn’t mean to get angry at you, I just-”

Suhwan’s little giggles that vibrated off Yubin’s chest stopped him in mid-sentence, and he pulled away from Suhwan to see him smiling widely back up at him.

“Do I look like I’m crying to you?” Suhwan smiled widely at a very confused Yubin. “I’m not the crybaby. That’s you.”

Behind Yubin’s offended scoff, Suhwan could see the corners of his lips curving up into a little smile and before he knew it, his neck was trapped in Yubin’s elbow from another one of his infamous headlocks.

“That’s the Suhwan I know,” Yubin chuckled at Suhwan’s weak attempts to squirm out of his grasp. “Welcome back, best friend.”

“I collapse from overexhaustion and a crying fit and you _still_ do this to me,” Suhwan grumbled as Yubin released him, but the fondness in his eyes told a different story.

“No, but really, Suhwan, listen to me,” Yubin grasped his arm lightly, forcing Suhwan to look into his suddenly-serious eyes. “Don’t let those haters bring you down. Just… just ignore them, they’re nothing but jealous assholes with too much time and nothing to do. They don’t know how hard you’re working and how good you are, and they don’t deserve to know either, because you’re too good for those pieces of shit. You got me?”

Despite the serious look in Yubin’s eyes, his choice of words made Suhwan burst into another round of giggles. Yubin watched him shake with laughter with an expression that declared that he had absolutely given up.

“I’m sorry, you’re too funny when you’re serious,” Suhwan defended. “But really, if you didn’t come for me, I would’ve still been wallowing around in my own misery. Or probably still passed out from overexhaustion.”

He reached out to hold one of Yubin’s hands, “and you’re right, I might’ve lost my mind if I had to stay overnight in this asylum alone. Thank you for making me feel not so lonely today, hyung. It really… meant a lot to me.”

Upon Suhwan’s words, a smile slowly made its way onto Yubin’s face and he stood up suddenly, pulling the smaller guy in for another bone-crushing hug.

“Since when did my Suhwan become such a sap, I wonder?” Yubin chuckled lightly as he led him out of the practice room after turning off the lights. Still holding Suhwan’s hand tightly, Yubin swung their joint hands back and forth as he led him out of the building and into the dark, chilly night.

“You wanna go have some fun now?” Yubin suggested, completely ignoring the fact that it was already past 2AM. “Are you hungry? Let’s go to the convenience store, I’ll buy you whatever you want! Or are you sleepy already? Wanna go back to the dorms and build a pillow fort together? Sorry, I forgot that you’re still a baby with a fixed bedtime...”

And that was exactly what they did. They filled a basket full of snacks at the convenience store, played rock, paper, scissors to decide who would carry the truckload of snacks back (in which Yubin lost unceremoniously and Suhwan just laughed at his misery), built the largest pillow fort they could on the floor of Super Special Girl’s dorm room, threw more snacks at each other rather than eating them and finally, lay down side by side on their collapsing pillow fort, their shoulders brushing against each other.

“Are you feeling better now, Suhwan?” Yubin muttered from beside him, his voice raspy with tiredness.

“I forgot that I was upset in the first place,” Suhwan spoke truthfully, but Yubin still playfully flicked his arm, causing him to whine and flick the taller back.

“Don’t ever say that you’re lonely again when you have me here, alright? It makes me feel like I’m not fulfilling my role as Suhwan’s babysitter properly,” Yubin joked and received a sharp kick in his shin as a reply.

“Whatever. Goodnight, hyung, if you hog the blanket in the middle of the night I won’t hesitate to kick you out,” Suhwan threatened, turning to face Yubin to give him a wide smile.

Yubin rolled his eyes in response, but couldn’t stop the corners of his lips from curving up into a smile that mirrored Suhwan’s. “Goodnight, baby Suhwanie, hope you dream of me tonight.”

“Gross. I think that would be more of a nightmare.”

And the way Yubin simply chuckled silently at his joke; the way his hand slipped under the covers to give Suhwan’s hand a playful squeeze; the way he didn’t hog the blanket in the middle of the night might’ve seemed like nothing but ordinary for anyone else-

_But to Suhwan, that was everything he asked for- and much more._

**Author's Note:**

> heres the video of jinhyuk giving the fans a lecture: [x](https://twitter.com/HC12241112/status/1142001469857529856)
> 
> i wish i was kidding about the hate comments about suhwan, but sadly... it really happened... i was so devastated when i saw his name trending (along with park seonho) and all those tweets come up :( please give suhwan lots and lots of love he's working so hard :(


End file.
